This morning's question from my S12: (after our daily struggle to get him out of bed he showed up in the kitchen and said) I moved why hasn't Dad?
I said what and he said Oh nothing. But then it sank in what he'd said and I gave him a hug.
I don't know what to say. I said, we'll, he's decided to but sometimes it takes a while to get something done when it's hard. You have the same problem with schoolwork sometimes.
He said in a fakey cheerful voice, He just loves us so much he doesn't want to leave.
Ouch
I said he does love you so much, just as much as before, and it is hard.
S12 said he just doesn't love you?
I said, no, he doesn't. What else could I say? I don't have all these g.d. answers.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Instead of saying your H doesn't love you, I think a better answer is that it is a different kind of love. Or that he loves you but you have differences that you just can't work out.
I know that you don't believe that things can't be worked out and it is possible that they could...
Personally, I don't think that the love dies or ends, I think it just changes and there are times when we love someone and we still can't have them as a part of our lives.
When answering the boys questions, please do your best to keep your anger at bay and remember that the answers, will form their ideas about love and life for their futures.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
When H and I sat down to tell the kids, I also told them that H didn't love me anymore but I also made sure they knew that patents never stop loving their children.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
After telling our sons I was so hurt and angry and full of blame. I did all the wrong things. I reminded the boys several times that this was their Dad's decision, knowing as it was coming out of my mouth that it was the wrong thing to do.
And I cried. A lot.
So they became a bit distant because I got "weird" when talk of Dad came up (S19 told me this). It's taken some time to recover from that and I still slip at times. A cautionary tale, I guess.
AS far as having all the g.d. answers, I don't think you have to. Did your H tell you he didn't love you? If not, you can't really answer that. You could say you can't speak for him about his feelings for you.
Are you going to do some family therapy with you and your sons?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Yes Cat, H did tell me he did not love me, and hadn't for a long time. He told me that on June 15, and he has told me in the few times it's come up since then that he wanted to be completely clear so I had no expectations, that that had not changed.
So when I told my S12 that, it was what I consider to be a fact as far as H and I know. Telling S12 some interpretation of what's in H's heart would be me trying again to create something with H that is not there.
Labug, I have a friend with a phd in Psych and I have my IC and I've been feeding them these questions and answers to get help staying on the right track. I told S14 that I was trying not to let my (temporary) anger color what I said and some of my answers were vague because of that. I told him my anger was directed not just at H but at myself and at the sitch, so he would not this isn't a clearcut good guy bad guy thing.
My kids detested family therapy but they did go twice when they were fighting a lot and my IC taught us how to have a family meeting and listen to each other respectfully. I might go in with S12 since he seems to like having me to moderate and facilitate the discussions he's learning how to participate in. S14 I think should see someone different and not with me there; however he is currently seeking support from his friend who is a very assertive emotional guy. I think this kid will help my son a lot. This kid came over to me after he found out, and gave me a huge hug and said things happen for a reason...not your typical 14yo boy.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Labug thank you for being so honest. I think your kids know you are an outstanding mom and got a sh!tty deal, and they don't want to hurt you by bringing it up. You have been so strong by learning how to let go and I think you have come so far.
I've been lucky to learn from all the people here. My friend the Psych. and my IC have not had to tell 500 kids that their parents are splitting up. The things I learn here are as valuable to me because we're putting the theories and research into use every day here and watching what unfolds.
I've been trying hard to not point blame at H. It doesn't all lie with him. He's doing what he feels he must. At this point, if he decided leaving was too hard and the kids were upset so he was going to stay....I think I'd gently tell him to go somewhere else for at least three months anyway.
He does not know what he has here, and he's not going to until he leaves. His being here is toxic.
I hate this but it has to happen now.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Just because someone has a degree in something, doesn't mean that have all of the answers. Unfortunately, life simply is not textbook. And research is fallible.
It's important at this time, to speak with your heart.
And to understand that just because your H said something to you, even more than once, doesn't make it the truth.
My X, also told me he didn't love me. More than once. Later, he changed that statement, to he loved me differently than he had in the past. And he was distraught when I moved.
I know you are trying to be logical and reasonable with all of this. That is not a bad thing.
Sometimes though, we have to simply be honest. Sometimes, things can't be understood in a way that makes sense to us.
It sounds like your S's friend, understands that.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
True Cat, thanks. I wish I could just take a mind expanding pill and be wise all at once but it's a long haul doing it manually.
My biggest concern about S12 is that he's been getting along with H so badly lately that even H thought he'd be actually happy to hear that H was leaving.
A kid will blame himself for his parents' breakup even if he doesn't tell anyone he thinks that.
My kid has to know that even though H calls him stupid and a dumb*ss, and even though he's flunking English of all things, and even though there's a sea of clothes all over his floor that p!sses dad off, and even though he's overweight when H and S14 are athletic and trim, it is NOT HIS FAULT.
So, under pressure, I hope I at least got that across. Later I'll try to have the 'maybe dad loves me in a different way and just doesn't realize it but we can't be together anyway' conversation if I can figure out what would make sense to say.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
When our Son looked at me and asked me the same question as your Son asked you...
I told him that it wasn't about whether or not Mom loved me, and that I couldn't answer that for her. It was about how much we loved her. And that we wanted her to be happy, even if that meant that she lived elsewhere.
That I wanted her to be happy, even if that meant that she had a different life, maybe with someone else, and that I loved her enough to let her go, and find that out. That loving someone through the rough times, makes it easier for loving them during the good times.
